Dr. Michelle Martin | Aging Naked
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Hello Again...

5/30/2018

9 Comments

 
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I'm reviving my Aging Naked blog after an almost-two year hiatus.  Why did I stop? I'm not really sure...I moved and got really busy. Also, the election happened and suddenly the plight of middle-aged women, living an authentic life, the travails of online dating and my heartbreak over empty nesting, seemed a bit trivial. But lately, I've been feeling to urge to write again and to share my various epiphanies, even if some of them seem rather mundane compared to the fate of our dying democracy.  I had to be reminded though of why I started this blog in the first place—why I felt it was important to bare my soul to strangers—my middle-aged, empty-nesting, very single soul. So I reflected, and this is what I came up with:

When I hit middle-age and looked around me, and I sensed something was up. I'd been told for years that these would be the best years of my life, but I wasn't getting that feeling. I knew some middle-aged women who seemed to be doing okay, but most of the women I knew appeared to be going through the motions only, telling themselves they should be happier than they actually were.  The truth was though, that they weren't, happy that is. But why? Many of these women, including myself, had relatively good lives, so what was all the angst about? 

For me personally, I dreaded empty nesting and despite having a good career, and many interests and hobbies, I sensed my identity leave right along with my son. There was wide open space out there, and I could finally have a bit more freedom and flexibility in my life, more opportunities, perhaps even an overnight guest! But I didn’t feel happy about the increased space in my life. Actually, it terrified me. 
terrified me.  

​I felt sadness, fear and a whole lot of emptiness. All that wide open space may as well have the Mohave Desert (or Death Valley), because it just made me feel insignificant, as if it was going to gobble me up at its first opportunity. And my response? To hide under a pile of blankets as often as life would allow. And, to start asking a lot of questions: 

 Did other midlife women feel as lost as I did?
  • Were they frightened and anxious for no real reason?
  • Feeling a little bit invisible? Wondering "what next"?

I wondered if perhaps women between the ages of 45 and 65 (most sociologists' definition of middle-age, thank god) were caught in a sort of temporal shift that would take another few generations to work itself out.

Boomer women were raised in the feminist era. We had Helen Reddy melodically telling us that we could roar because we were women, and we had the Enjoli woman on television telling us that we really could have it all—a career, a happy marriage, crispy bacon, and really strong perfume. And yet, despite having a myriad of very ambitious plans for their futures, most of my friends quit their jobs when they got married, and settled into nice traditional lives, raising children, playing Bunco, and volunteering at their kids' schools.

And those who didn't, those who kept working, such as myself? Well, it's not like we got much of a break. We may have worked full time, but we still did all of the other stuff too—housework, cooking, schlepping the kids around, helping our husbands or partners (if we had one), often taking care of aging parents, and some of us with very little help.
 
Feminism promised us far more than it has (as of yet) delivered—in many respects, we're caught between two eras: the era of tradition and the era of gender equality. I'm not exactly sure where we are in the process of this evolution, but I'm certain we haven’t yet arrived (just ask Sheryl Sandberg, she'll back me up on this, I'm sure).

So what do we do in the meantime? The best we can; that’s all anyone (including ourselves) can expect from us. Sometimes that's a lot, and sometimes it's simply climbing out from under the blankets...
- - - 
9 Comments
Joseph
5/31/2018 01:07:29 pm

Hi M,
I feel your pain. Right down to my toes.
Before and after divorce the empty nest scared the crap out of me and shown a bright light on the what I was lacking in my marriage. I still to this day wonder about what I should have done if anything differently. But it seems to have been destined.
Those blankets are still very comforting but I still have to wash them and change them with the seasons.
I'm glad you are writing again!😊

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Kat
6/26/2018 10:45:04 am

Your immigration posts on Facebook (MUCH-shared, and rightly so - many thanks for those!) are what brought your blog to my attention, but this topic also resonates with me, for sure. Looking forward to reading more - new stuff and the earlier entries.
(I have several years yet before my own nest empties, but turning 50 next year with my son in first grade has challenges of its own, for sure. Whee.../Gulp.)

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Dr. Michelle Martin link
7/25/2018 12:14:20 am

So now you've experienced both sides of my brain! So glad you've found me here as well. You've got this Kat! 1st grade is so young and you have plenty of time, but as you know, it goes lightening fast. Michelle

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Is
7/8/2018 03:10:06 pm

I just would like to say I am glad I read your blog. I am a middled-aged woman with a son in college and I miss him so much. I stay home and care for my elderly mother as well as my husbands parents. At times I am very overwhelmed and feel that I no longer know who I am or even what I want. Your blog made me feel a little better.

Thank you

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Dr. Michelle Martin link
7/25/2018 12:12:33 am

Hello! Don't give up. The dark times won't last. My bit of unsolicited advice though is give yourself choices. You don't have to be everything to everyone, and you deserve happiness too. Toss guilt out the window and become a bit greedy when it comes to experiencing joy. Self-discovery is a scary, but very worthy journey. If you haven't already, pick up a copy of Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed. Fabulous! Guaranteed to give you clarity and make you laugh. Hang in there, you're a member of a pretty incredible tribe (women who are surviving empty nesting!). Michelle

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Sybylla DeMontagna
7/21/2018 03:36:27 am

I enjoyed reading this and will catch up with the forgoing pieces too.
You inspire me to crack on with my own blog.
I have segued into registered Old Age (I'm 66) so none of my perceptions can any longer called middle aged...so I am posting from you Middle Aged ones future, to say time heals, you move from regretting what you have lost to appreciating what you have.
And it occurred to me, reading this post, as it is so age-specific, that being insecure is an option at any age😊

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Dr. Michelle Martin link
7/25/2018 12:16:42 am

Oh yes, I sometimes think that being insecure is a birthright. One of the biggest differences between "young Michelle" and "middle-aged Michelle" is that I no longer act stronger than I am. I'm on emotionally needy, sometimes-insecure, occasional imposter-syndrome-sporting woman! Also, per HuffPost, you are still in middle age and you wear it well! Michelle

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Heidi A. Lynch
7/24/2018 11:44:56 pm

Help! I want to hike the A.T. I have fusion in my neck. A total knee replacement. I am also taking medication for depression and anxiety disorder. I want to get back to Mother Nature

Reply
Dr. Michelle Martin link
7/25/2018 12:20:34 am

Hello Heidi! I never hiked it...I wrote a blog about it while sitting on my comfy couch. I joined a few AT groups and very kind, helpful people kept sending me photos of lint brushes filled with ticks....apparently hikers use them to get the ticks off before they climb in their sleeping bags. So with that, I decided, nope. Mother Nature for me now is a lovely (bug-free) beach, or a wine bar (with a view of a lovely bug-free beach). But I highly encourage you to get outside in the sun. Someplace near water, if possible. Do you live in a cold-weather climate? If so, move west (I did about two years ago and haven't regretted it for a minute!). Hang in there and please keep in touch...Michelle

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